A groaner of a joke that needs a Scottish accent and knowledge of football

What do you call an machine gun carring heifer wearing a Celtic shirt with number 7 on the back?

A right-wing military coo.

A groaner of a linguistics joke

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.

A crap chemistry joke

What weapon can you make using only Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
a KNiFe

It wasn't worth it...

The final distillation of a lame loke

A person strolling through the Olympic Village nocited saw another person carrying a very long bag. He asked: Are you a Pole Vaulter?

The athlete replied: Yes.

Making a lame joke even lamer (if possible)

A person strolling through the Olympic Village nocited saw another person carrying a very long bag. He asked: Are you a Pole Vaulter?

The athlete replied, No, these are javelins

A lamer joke for Saturday

A person strolling through the Olympic Village nocited saw another person carrying a very long bag. He asked: Are you a Pole Vaulter?

The athlete replied, Yes but my name is Jan.

A lame joke for a dull Saturday

A person strolling through the Olympic Village nocited saw another person carrying a very long bag. He asked: Are you a Pole Vaulter?

The athlete replied, No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?

And a terrible joke

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off."Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Aye thangyou

Bad jokes - the gloves are off

This is for Stu Savory who responded to my recent excellent and utterly serious post about the dangers of arising form the lack of fire excapes in Bilbao restaurants. This posts concerns the physical condition of a famous holy man.


A famous Swami was well known for walking barefoot at all times regardless of the terrain, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Because of his poor diet he suffered from bad breath. As a result he was a super callused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

Another terrible joke

A Bilbao restaurant was recently prosecuted for infringing fire precaution rules - the restaurant only had one way out.

The Judge when passing sentence warned the owner that he should never put all his Basques in one exit.

I'll get my coat....

And another rotten joke

There is a specialist tea shop in Liverpool called (unsurprisingly) the Mersey which can provide any sort of tea. If it's out there then Mersey has it. One day a man goes into the shop and asks to try their rarest tea. He is told that this is the famous Australian Koala tea from Coober Pedy and that he would be welcome to try a cup.

He is presented with a cup of dark but cloudy tea. The man finds it very palatable but there is something wrong with the texture. He is distreessed to find bits of hair and other unidentifed lumps in it so he points this out to the shop,s owner. The owner replies

"Surely you know that the Koala tea of Mersey is not strained."

Another rotten joke

Did you hear about the Swami who refused anaesthetic at the dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

I'll get my coat...

An old bullfighter and an older joke

There’s an old joke that goes something like this:

A guy on holiday in Spain goes into a restaurant. While deciding what he wants to eat he catches the waft of a delightful smell. He sees another diner eating a huge meal which looks absolutely delicious.

He asks a waiter what the dish is. The waiter tells him that is bull testicles in a special wine and herb sauce. When he asks the waiter for a serving he is told that there is none left but if he were to come back the following day after the bullfights there would be more available.

The following day he returns to and true to his word the waiter presents him with a meal which is n utter delight. However one thing puzzles him so he calls over the waiter and asks why the portion was so much smaller than the one he saw the previous day

To which the waiter replied." Sometimes senor the bull wins”

Meanwhile according to today’s Times Frank Evans, 66, from Salford, has valiantly overcome a badly damaged knee and a quadruple bypass heart surgery to appear in a charity bullfight (+presumably not for the Spanish equivalent of the RSPCA).

Known professionally as El Inglés since the 60s Evans completed his performance by driving his sword into the bull’s neck to the hilt, earning the applause and the waving white handkerchiefs of an Andalusian crowd.

“This confirms what I’ve been telling all those doubters, that I’m fit enough to do this,” Mr Evans said after his bull was dragged from the sand and he was presented with the animal’s ears. “

Mr Evans wants to arrange a professional fight in the autumn and then head to South America in the winter to complete his objective to fight in every country that kills bulls in the ring (He has yet to fight in Colombia, Peru and Ecuador).

Perhaps a tourist in Andalucía (perhaps Ecuador, Peru or Colombia) will be disappointed that his plate of cojones are from El Ingles rather than El Toro. No tears will be shed at Hope Cottages.

Science can be fun

On Friday I went to see the recording of an episode of a new comedy quiz called "What on Earth?" It's a science based quiz, chaired by Marcus Brigstocke. A very enjoyable time was had, the highlight being a wonderful scientific joke:

- What's non-orientable and lives in the sea?

- Mobius Dick.

My sides were splitting. In search of other science-based mirth I found this
website which is chock full of  scientific belly laughs: The mathematicians
among you will surely enjoy this rib-tickler:


- What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber.

- You can't do that.  A mountain climber is a scalar.

Or How about this biochemical funny that will have them rolling in the aisles

"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "That'll be 80p please!" (ATP geddit?)

All of this reminded me of a book that is still available called the
Biochemist's songbook, not something that I bought along with Stryer's
Biochemistry or Selkurt's Physiology. But here is one set of lyrics
to be sung to the tune of the British Grenadiers:

In Praise of Glycolysis

Some pathways lead to glory, like Hatch and Slack and Knoop,
Utter, Calvin, Cori --- a most distinguished group,
But of all of nature's pathways, we sing the praise today
Of Embden, Meyerhof, Parnas --- the glycolytic pathway.

Glucose, by hexokinase is turned to G6P
(You might use glucokinase, you must use ATP)
And, note, glycogenolysis (when stores are in the cell)
Gives G1P which then mutates to G6P as well.

The moiety of glucose, in the succeeding phase
Is transferred to a ketose by an isomerase
Phosphofructokinase now, acts on that F6P;
Fructose 1,6 bisphosphate is the product that's set free.

The kinase is affected quite complicatedly
And as you'll have suspected it uses ATP;
FBP by aldolase is split reversibly
To phosphoglyceraldehyde, also DHAP.

The former and the latter can each equilibrate ---
It really doesn't matter for metabolic fate ---
So follow PG aldehyde and double what you see,
You'll get the total balance sheet for a hexose moiety.

There's now a novel facet, for NAD's reduced
But carboxylic acid is not what is produced,
Delta-G's substantial, and energy's conserved
(For otherwise the pathway would, quite frankly, be absurd).

The complex oxidation of PG aldehyde
Gives by phosphorylation an acid anhydride,
And that bisphosphoglycerate reacts with ADP
The kinase making ATP, of course reversibly.

The product's composition, 3-phosphoglycerate
From 3 to 2 position can readily mutate
And now 2-phosphoglycerate does something rather strange ---
Electrons on C2 and 3 proceed to rearrange.

The redox-dehydration, catalyzed by enolase
Gives PEP formation and bond energy raise
So phosphoenol pyruvate reacts with ADP
The kinase making ATP, but not reversibly.

In anaerobiosis, pyruvate's not the end;
The problem we suppose is not hard to comprehend;
The dehydrogenation to phosphoglycerate
Would grind to halt if NAD could not regenrate.

The answer is quite subtle, pyruvate is reduced,
Instead of glycerol shuttle, lactate is produced;
Lactate dehydrogenase performs that noble feat,
NADH is oxidized, the pathway is complete.

The balance sheet you'll see shows transfer of energy,
Two ATP's from glucose and three from G1P.
That's good, but oh to use the way where pyruvate's reduced
With decarboxylation first, the ethanol produced!