21 October 2011

The perils of the modern alchemist

The Irish Independent reports that a man in Northern Ireland man who tried to turn his own faeces into gold by putting it on an electric heater has been jailed for three months.

The bizarre experiment, carried out by Paul Moran, 30, caused around £3,000 worth of damage to his Housing Executive home in a block of flats at Derrin Park in Enniskillen in July.

Moran admitted arson and endangering the lives of others. His Honour Judge McFarland told him: “Rather bizarrely you were attempting to make gold from human faeces and waste products. It was an interesting experiment to fulfil the alchemist’s dream, but wasn’t going to succeed.”

While outlining the circumstances of the case at Enniskillen Magistrates Court, prosecuting counsel Robin Steer, told those present that at 7.12pm on July 24 last year the Fire Brigade was called to Moran’s flat at Derrin Park in Cornagrade, Enniskillen.

A police officer who was at the scene overheard Moran tell someone he had put “fertiliser” on a heater.

Moran’s barrister, Des Fahy, agreed that the general circumstances of the case were bizarre. He said Moran was a man of considerable intellectual ability but there was a clear problem over the years relating to drug abuse.
The judge noted that Moran was now on anti-psychotic medication and agreed with the findings of a pre-sentence report, which said he did not pose “a significant risk of serious harm

If only he had become a City rogue trader then he could have turned gold into shit

5 comments:

Andrew said...

Heating shit... that might make gold...

It's all so reasonable, isn't it?

After all in 1669 Hennig Brandt boiled his piss to try to get gold, but instead he got phosphorus. I call that a near miss. The problem is the residue has to be in there to begin with of course, so after eating gold shit may produce gold, so he just missed out one part of the procedure (the one that would make the procedure pointless, of course).

I think I'll away and boil my head now and see what that can produce.

jams o donnell said...

Well you never know he could have created dilithium.

If you boiled your head you would make a very clever soup that would ensure that any drinker would pass their A level chemistry with flying colours!

Claude said...

I heard that only a god can produce something out of nothing.

Please, keep your head, Andrew.

Claude said...

Dear Andrew --I didn't mean that as an insult, friend!

jams o donnell said...

Or Shirl when she is annoyed with me Claude!

But Claude I bet Andrew head soup would be delicious and would raise our IQ by many points!