12 October 2011

Fuck Hilary Swank, JCVD and Vanessa Mae and the tyrant they rode in on

The Independent reports that Hilary Swank, Jean Claude van Damme and Vanessa Mae have joined Sting, Beyonce, 50 Cent and a host of other so called stars who will suck the metaphorical dick of any tyrant who will hand them a huge pile of cash.

On 26 September, Jason Weinberg, a rep or whatever for a load of hing profile Hollywood lowlife, received an awkward inquiry from the Human Rights Foundation. Was it true, they asked, that another of his clients, Hilary Swank, had accepted a large appearance fee to attend the 35th birthday party of Ramzan Kadyrov, the Kremlin-backed despot in charge of Chechnya?

Absolutely not, he replied, in a dismissive email which suggested it was impertinent to even wonder if an Oscar-winning Hollywood liberal of Ms Swank's stature would consider such a vulgar and unethical career opportunity. "Hilary has no current plans to attend the party," it read.

As a week is a long time in politics so nine days is plenty enough time to change your mind about earning a pile of sleazy money. Dressed to the nines, and watched by the Independent’s own Moscow correspondent, Swank sauntered up Mr Kadyrov's red carpet, before delivering a charming speech about how much she had already enjoyed her stay in Grozny. "I could feel the spirit of the people, and I could see that everyone was so happy," she said. "Happy birthday, Mr President!"

Joining her was another vintage star: Jean-Claude Van Damme. Who got warm applause for finishing his speech with the pronouncement: "I love you Mr Kadyrov!" Then, after hundreds of thousands of dollars-worth of fireworks had been fired into the night sky, the violinist Vanessa Mae, performed a brief set. She was paid a rumoured $500,000 (£324,000). It is thought that Van Damme, whose A list status is long past and who now gives hand jobs to crack addicts, was paid $10 and all the food he can put in his underwear.

So far, neither Swank, nor Van Damme, nor Mae, have commented on their shilling; their representatives presumably hoping that if they say silent, the whole awkward affair will go away.r.

It is very easy for celebs to earn some extra pocket money. For decades, the international A-list have been able to add to their wealth by agreeing to attend (or perform at) social occasions to which they have no obvious connection. But traditionally, their more shameless exploits in this field have remained happily below the radar. The onward march of technology puts paid to that, though.

Footage of Beyonce, 50 Cent, and Mariah Carey performing at parties hosted by the Gaddafi family caused an almighty row earlier this year. With headline movie salaries already well down, and continuing to fall from their historic high in the mid 2000s, the likes of Van Damme and Swank may face tough decisions about how to finance their Hollywood lifestyles.

Do they give up the heroin enemas and the designer cock rings or do they abandon the lucrative world of celebrity appearances altogether? Or do they ask a sleazy shitrag like Weinberg to vet incoming bookings more thoroughly? Or do they just say fuck you all I want the fucking money?

Swank, VD, Mae joined the likes of Beyonce, Sting and many others who have taken the fucking money. They are off the artistic register. As the late, great Bill Hicks would have put it, it doesn’t matter if they shit Picassos for the rest of their lives, they are whores.

On a brighter note Shakira was offered the Grozny gig but turned it down. Good for her. At least she showed good sense.


The Guradian Typo Pool (Section B) said...

Re: "hing profile Hollywood lowlife"

"hing" is a typo specifically created by and registered to The Guardian Newspaper. Pleade remove it immudiotly.

jams o donnell said...

Ah I shall cease, desist and check my posts in future!

Anonymous said...

"hand jobs to crack addicts"? haha

jams o donnell said...

Well I was in mid rant Nursie!