22 November 2011

NHS considers novel way to increase bed occupation rates


The Telegraph reports that the government is about to test a revolutionary new method of speeding the recovery times in hospital. 

The trial will see people recuperating in hspital seeing the the face of Andrew Lansley, the Health Secretary, on a continuous loop on the in-house televisions. The only way that the loop can be stopped is if patients register their details. At which point the patient  will be deemed fit for discharge.

Mr Lansley admitted the experience could be "rather unnerving" but he insisted that  it would play a major factor in speeding recovery times.
"They only have to see me once... so I would encourage the proles and oiks to see me once then stop messing up my nice clean hospitals," he told BBC Radio 4's Today programme.
Until individuals register, the television plays the message, which repeats every three or four minutes and comes complete with subtitles.
Mr Lansley’s message starts: “Hello, I’m Andrew Lansley, the Health Secretary. I just want to take a few moments to say that your care while you’re here in hospital really matters to me.”

One patient told the newspaper: “It was eerie. Everywhere you looked there was Andrew Lansley. I have never seen old people move more quickly with a zimmer frame. The ward was empty within an hour!"

Well there you have it... or there you don't. The video of Lansley is part of an entertainment thingy that sees fit to milk people out of money for bedside tv,phone and email access. Even so I think of several hundred thousand people I would rather see in hospital than that tosser!


Liz said...

Yes, would soon clear the wards.

jams o donnell said...