More end times protection

Terrified by tsunamis or terrorism? Petrified by pole shift, pestilence or Planet X? If Anarchy gives you angst then US company Vivos may have the answer!

With a helpful countdown to 21 December 2012 on the site it offers deliverance from disaster… but at a price (naturally!)

According to the Independent Vivos has allegedly built 300,000sq ft of bunker space in the US and claims to have 5,000 Americans on its books. Though Europeans have traditionally been more reluctant to buy into the impending apocalypse, he believes the explosion in London's population of high-net-worth individuals has left the British market ripe for exploitation.

Robert Vicino, the founder of Vivos, which is building a "survival network" of upscale underground bunkers across the United States, will travel to London this week to announce the opening of his firm's first nuclear-bomb-and-asteroid-proof property in Europe.

It is understood that the bumker will be in a former military facility, though its exact location, like all Vivos bunkers, is secret (after all you can’t let the oiks in, can you?)

All well and good but part ownership of one of the Vivos bunkers costs $50,000 (£32,000) per adult, and $25,000 for each child. Nonetheless, Vicino calims:

"People have life insurance. We are selling something better: life assurance," he said. "Our places can survive a 50 megatonne blast 10 miles away; they can be submerged to a depth of 500ft, they can survive shockwaves, and electromagnetic pulses. They have medical facilities, libraries, security offices, gymnasiums, even prisons."

Well it does sound rather better appointed than the former Government bunker at Kelvedon Hatch (now a tourist attraction) but to be honest I am not scared of nuclear war megatsunamis or big asteroids (as if a bunker would be safe from one of those!). If Vivos could vouchsafe against the great mutant star goat that is going to devour us like it devoured the planet Golgafrinchon then I would cheerfully part with my $50k!

In the meantime I will stick to my towel and a book that says “Don’t Panic” in large friendly lettering!

The end is nigher than we thought

Don’t worry about 2012, we won’t last that long if Maria Exley of Colorado Springs is to be believed.

According the Colorado Springs Gazette she is convinced that the end of the world will come next year. So strong is her conviction that she’s paid $1,200 to buy advertising space on 10 Springs bus benches through October to get the word out. The ad says, “Save the Date! Return of Christ: May 21, 2011, WeCanKnow.com.”

Exley got the idea for the ads from listening to Family Radio, a Christian broadcast hosted by controversial Christian leader Harold Camping. Camping predicts Christ will return on the date in Exley’s advertisement. Listeners in other states have also purchased outdoor ad space to proclaim the date.

The ads are written and designed by the creators of WeCanKnow.com, an Ohio-based web site devoted to reminding people of Christ’s return. “We hope it raises awareness and sends people to their Bible,” said Robert Dunham, spokesman for WeCanKnow.com.

“Time is running out, but there is still time for salvation.”

Well that’s me convinced. Henceforth I will abjure my sinful ways. No more frottage, felching or other foul fornication for me. No more strong liquor, swearing or sinful thoughts. From now on it’s prayer and penance all the way.... Ah fuck it I’ll stay damned!

Doomsday set for Thursday (perhaps sooner)

Are you hoping for Armageddon, but just can’t wait for the Mayan end-time prophecies to come true in 2012? Then there is good news: nuclear war will begin on Thursday (or sooner) according to Yisrayl Hawkins (left), founder of the House of Yahweh (a religious sect in Abilene, Texas rather than a restaurant).

Hundreds of truck trailers have been loaded with food and water on the group's 44-acre compound, in preparation for the coming war. However this is not the first time he predicted the outbreak of nuclear war. Hawkins previously set Sept. 12, 2006 as the beginning of the end. His followers produced an on-line video with a countdown to doomsday. In Kenya, hundreds of his followers actually hid in basement bomb shelters and donned gas masks on the date. They went home in humiliation when there was no war.

Former members say there is a method to Hawkins' madness, that the doomsday predictions help him make money and keep disillusioned members from leaving, for fear they will be killed when the end comes. Top of Form

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"He's been saying just give me two more years, we're right at the end," said former member Miriam Martin who left in 2004. Why would you give up now? That's how he controls people, is through fear," Other former members say they are required to buy doomsday food and supplies from a company that Hawkins owns personally, Life Nutrition Products. "Everything that he preaches has to do with people buying something," said former House of Yahweh elder David Als of New York City. Like many of the his followers, Als actually legally changed his last name to Hawkins because he became convinced that only those named Hawkins would be saved.

Hawkins says as a prophet he knows that nuclear outbreak will come 'round the great river Euphrates. In addition to dealing with the beginning of the end, Hawkins is also dealing with some serious legal problems - he is facing felony bigamy charges He has pleaded not guilty to the charges and says he is being targeted because authorities do not like his brand of religion.

Ah well no end of the world this week I would guess, Ah well I’m sure another Prophet will be along soon.