And a Cthulhu Christmas One and All

Well that's me done until after Christmas.... unless I change my mind of course. Heres wishing both my readers a very happy Xmas

An Austerity Christmas Brought To You By the Caring, Sharing Tory Party

As the UK may even go into triple dip recession next year the Tory message that we're all in it together means that we're all in the shit together... apart fro those at the top as usual

Well it wouldn't be Christmas without a bit of Cthulhu

That's me done for until after Xmas. Here's wWishing all my readers a terror filled Christmas and a nightmare filled New Year. Then again the Tories seem to be doing this job well enough without my intervention....

For the Christmas stocking: a bipolar toy?

Previously I have recommended giant microbes, a solid silver circe (for the Opus Nazi person in your life) and St Sebastian pin cushions as perfect Christmas stocking filers. Now Time has come up with another ideal gift

German toymaker Paraplush has designed a new line of toys with an assortment of psychiatric disorders. The company advertises stuffed animals who suffer from a range of mental illnesses (bipolar disorder, depression, multiple personality disorder) and even come packaged with a personalized medical history and treatment plan.

"'Patients' include Dub the turtle with severe depression, Sly the snake who suffers from terrifying hallucinations, Dolly the sheep with a multiple personality disorder and a crocodile with an irrational fear of water," Each mentally ill Paraplush toy, retails for around 30 Euros

Well there you have it. I hope that the toys come with suitable plus medication too and access to a psychiatrist doll….

A Happy Cthulhu Christmas to one and all

May none of your worst nightmares come true

Well Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a bit of bad poetry!

THE CHRISTMAS GOOSE
by William McGonagall

Mr. SMIGGS was a gentleman,
And he lived in London town;
His wife she was a good kind soul,
And seldom known to frown.

'Twas on Christmas eve,
And Smiggs and his wife lay cosy in bed,
When the thought of buying a goose
Came into his head.

So the next morning,
Just as the sun rose,
He jump'd out of bed,
And he donn'd his clothes,

Saying, "Peggy, my dear.
You need not frown,
For I'll buy you the best goose
In all London town."

So away to the poultry shop he goes,
And bought the goose, as he did propose,
And for it he paid one crown,
The finest, he thought, in London town.

When Smiggs bought the goose
He suspected no harm,
But a naughty boy stole it
From under his arm.

Then Smiggs he cried, "Stop, thief!
Come back with my goose!"
But the naughty boy laugh'd at him,
And gave him much abuse.

But a policeman captur'd the naughty boy,
And gave the goose to Smiggs,
And said he was greatly bother'd
By a set of juvenile prigs.

So the naughty boy was put in prison
For stealing the goose.,
And got ten days' confinement
Before he got loose.

So Smiggs ran home to his dear Peggy,
Saying, "Hurry, and get this fat goose ready,
That I have bought for one crown;
So, my darling, you need not frown."

"Dear Mr Smiggs, I will not frown:
I'm sure 'tis cheap for one crown,
Especially at Christmas time --
Oh! Mr Smiggs, it's really fine."

"Peggy. it is Christmas time,
So let us drive dull care away,
For we have got a Christmas goose,
So cook it well, I pray.

"No matter how the poor are clothed,
Or if they starve at home,
We'll drink our wine, and eat our goose,
Aye, and pick it to the bone."

Not the perfect present for your beloved

Are you fed up of your useless/philandering/other reason (delete as applicable) spouse but still have no idea what to get them? Then fear not, London law firm Lloyd Platt & Company may have the perfect gift for you.

The company is offering divorce gift voucher which offer couples half-hour or hour-long advice sessions with a lawyer. A snip at just £125 plus VAT.

Senior partner Vanessa Lloyd Platt said: “Christmas can be a very stressful time for families as we have always seen by the huge increase of people seeking advice in January. The vouchers seem to appeal to an enormously wide spread spectrum of people looking for that ‘must have’ gift for Christmas. We hope through the vouchers that we can offer clients all the practical options available to them – divorce being only one of the options.”

Hmm while a lot of couples are truly miserable, especially so at Christmas when close proximity with (un)loved ones can push a fragile relationship over the edge. Still I can’t help but think that Lloyd Platt & Company are angling for happy or just an extra profitable New Year...

The perfect gift for a watery Christmas

Do you live in a flood plain? are you worried that your nativity scene might be washed away by a raging torrent? Then fear not, for less than the price of a couple of pints of Lacrima Christi you can have the most flood-proof nativity scene there is.

Or perhaps you like to conduct an impromptu carol concert in the bath. The Virgin Mary, bay Jesus, Joseph and a full supporting cast will be with you as you sing Away in a Manger with the finest bathroom gusto!

Another wonderful idea brought to you by Ship of Fools

Another perfect Christmas gift idea

If a recording of Ian Paisley#s sermons is tempting but does not quite hit the spot then fear not, there are other, sterner options, for the Opus Nazi, sorry Dei member in your life.


They can mortify their flesh to their heat's content with a range of cilices from Cilice.co.uk. Lovingly made by Italian nuns they will bring hours of painful pleasure. The cilices also come in silver, a perfect anniversary, wedding or first communion gift...

If a cilice is not enough then a range of hair shirts and flagellation devices are available too


Scourge your way to a very happy Christmas!

Thanks to Ship of Fools and their hilarious Gadgets for God section for highlighting this!

The perfect present for the one you love.

Are you worried about eternal damnation? Does the prospect of being cast down into the lake of fire get you down? Fear not, just play a hell and damnation sermon from the Reverend Ian Paisley and you will soon be in touch with your inner puritan,,, Spiritual salvation for less than the cost of a night out!

As found on Ship of Fools

A Happy Cthulhu-filled Christmas to everyone

This is where I sign out for for a few days... Back after Christmas

Cherie has dared us to do another meme. Who am I to say no!

1. What is your favourite Christmas carol/song? While Shepherds washed their flocks and We Three Kings...both were easy to add silly words to!

2. White lights or multicoloured? One set of red and one set of white

3. Do you have a cut tree, live tree or an artificial tree? A Nordman Fir. Next year it will be back to an artificial one

4. Eggnog, mulled cider, or hot chocolate? Hot Chocolate: the not-wife has a best of CD... "Emma, Emmaline, gonna make you the biggest star this world has ever seen..."

5. Do you decorate your house with lights? No way I’ getting up a ladder for anyone

6. Do you write a Christmas letter? Hmm “Another year of sod all to say” A pithy message in the card does me just fine!

7. Do you like receiving Christmas letters/photos? Yes since my friends have more interesting live than I do!

8. What is your favourite Christmas story/movie? Bad Santa – a true role model!

9. Have you ever made a gingerbread house? Hell no, I have enough trouble avoiding the maintenance work on a bricks and mortar one, let alone a gingerbread one

10. Poinsettias or holly? Both... Poinsettias from the shop, Holly from the garden and Mistletoe from the not-wife’s dad’s garden

11. Do you display a nativity scene? Nope, I’m an agnostic while the not-wife is a hardline atheist.

12. Do you bake Christmas cookies? Shop bought do just fine

13. Ham or turkey? Nut roast

14. In what languages can you wish someone a Merry Christmas (without cheating)?
English, French, Gaelic, Dutch, Russian and now Farsi

15. Do you know all the words to Jingle Bells? Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. err that’s it

16. Do you put presents under the tree? Not with Mimi and her little accidents

17. How do you eat a candy cane? With the mouth I suppose.
18. What is your biggest holidays pet peeve? Stop the bloody Cavalry by Jona bloody Lewie

19. What is your favourite Christmas tradition? Eating a large tube of Smarties on Xmas morning

20. What was the best present you ever got for Christmas? Ooh now that’s a tough one