30 October 2010

An apocryphal tale for Halloween

From the About Urban Legends newsletter. Utter pish of course but still funny!

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the jail.

Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

11 comments:

Officer Pluck said...

Clearly discriminatory and mysoginistic taylored an act, in my colleague's eyes, mind, heart and desiring soul.

Sean Jeating said...

Very helpful additonal information the activist is introduced as a white male.
How easily one could have thought the pumpkin popper had been a white female.

jams o donnell said...

Oh dear Officer P you have been demoted? What a shame!

Absolutely Sean!

Sergeant Pluck said...

Not really.
Only tried to put myself in the position of Officer Taylor ...

{Word verifcication: fucksly]

jams o donnell said...

Ah I was worried that you had ben disciplined for a bike relocation too many dear Sergeant!

Ann said...

yuk!yuk!yuk! as much as I don't like Halloween and pumpkins, This is worst.

He didn't think there are witches around a cast him a spell?

Where did you hear it from? These are the kind of stories I hear from the gals and guys in the factory floor when I was a university student during my summer job.

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

Perhaps the pumpkin gave its consent....

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Thanks for cheering up my Sunday, jams!

jams o donnell said...

It was from an urban legends newsletter. I just loved the punchline!

I hope so Anneke!

Glad you liked it Welshcakes!

SnoopyTheGoon said...

'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

Didn't she add 'Or are you just happy to see me?'?

I thought it's a mandatory text for every police officer.

Besides, 'screwing' doesn't sound as a part of officially approved dictionary. Should have been 'conducting unauthorized sexual intercourse' or something.

jams o donnell said...

Good point but I did say it was apocryphal!