A NEW TEMPERANCE POEM, IN MEMORY OF MY DEPARTED PARENTS, WHO WERE SOBER LIVING & GOD FEARING PEOPLE
My parents were sober living, and often did pray
For their family to abstain from intoxicating drink alway;
Because they knew it would lead them astray
Which no God fearing man will dare to gainsay.
Some people do say that God made strong drink,
But he is not so cruel I think;
To lay a stumbling block in his children's way,
And then punish them for going astray.
No! God has more love for his children, than mere man.
To make strong drink their souls to damn;
His love is more boundless than mere man's by far,
And to say not it would be an unequal par.
A man that truly loves his family wont allow them to drink,
Because he knows seldom about God they will think,
Besides he knows it will destroy their intellect,
And cause them to hold their parents in disrespect.
Strong drink makes the people commit all sorts of evil,
And must have been made by the Devil
For to make them quarrel, murder, steal, and fight,
And prevent them from doing what is right.
The Devil delights in leading the people astray,
So that he may fill his kingdom with them without delay;
It is the greatest pleasure he can really find,
To be the enemy of all mankind.
The Devil delights in breeding family strife,
Especially betwixt man and wife;
And if the husband comes home drunk at night,
He laughs and crys, ha! ha! what a beautiful sight.
And if the husband asks his supper when he comes in,
The poor wife must instantly find it for him;
And if she cannot find it, he will curse and frown,
And very likely knock his loving wife down.
Then the children will scream aloud,
And the Devil no doubt will feel very proud,
If he can get the children to leave their own fireside,
And to tell their drunken father, they won't with him reside.
Strong drink will cause the gambler to rob and kill his brother,
Aye! also his father and his mother,
All for the sake of getting money to gamble,
Likewise to drink, cheat, and wrangle.
And when the burglar wants to do his work very handy,
He plies himself with a glass of Whisky, Rum, or Brandy,
To give himself courage to rob and kill,
And innocent people's blood to spill.
Whereas if he couldn't get Whisky, Rum, or Brandy,
He wouldn't do his work so handy;
Therefore, in that respect let strong drink be abolished in time,
And that will cause a great decrease in crime.
Therefore, for this sufficient reason remove it from society,
For seldom burglary is committed in a state of sobriety;
And I earnestly entreat ye all to join with heart and hand,
And to help to chase away the Demon drink from bonnie Scotland.
I beseech ye all to kneel down and pray,
And implore God to take it away;
Then this world would be a heaven, whereas it is a hell,
And the people would have more peace in it to dwell.
William Topaz is firmly in the temperance camp. However, the great Flann O’Brian takes a contrary view about alcohol. In his view it is truly the workman’s friend:
The Workman’s Friend
When things go wrong and will not come right,
Though you do the best you can,
When life looks black as the hour of night -
A PINT OF PLAIN IS YOUR ONLY MAN.
When money's tight and hard to get
And your horse has also ran,
When all you have is a heap of debt -
A PINT OF PLAIN IS YOUR ONLY MAN.
When health is bad and your heart feels strange,
And your face is pale and wan,
When doctors say you need a change,
A PINT OF PLAIN IS YOUR ONLY MAN.
When food is scarce and your larder bare
And no rashers grease your pan,
When hunger grows as your meals are rare -
A PINT OF PLAIN IS YOUR ONLY MAN.
In time of trouble and lousey strife,
You have still got a darlint plan
You still can turn to a brighter life -
A PINT OF PLAIN IS YOUR ONLY MAN.
14 comments:
Ceterum censeo this 'topaz of poetry' deserves a statue!!
It's a shame
that criticaster
would dare to blame
such genial master
who earns fame
for all his words.
It really hurts.
:)
Well, and as for Flann:
In fact he considers (present tense, yes! Those few people still taking for granted he died April 1st 1966, can look back on a remarkable long career as April fools) alcohol as an enemy, but unlike McGonagall he is bravely trying to annihilate it.
In this sense: Sláinte! :)
If ever I rhyme "man" with "damn"
Then please just shoot me where I stand.
- SB the YDD
(Sorry; I couldn't resist. McGonagall gives doggerel a bad name.)
Abstinence has never been my strong suit; moderation will have to do. I gave up strong drink for almost 20 years for health reasons, and resumed it for different health reasons. (Hint: my mother died of Alzheimer's disease. Google "Alzheimer's" with "Erasmus" and soon you'll understand.)
wow..this is a great post! i came here for photohunters but i am impressed by this
Do you remember William McGoonagle as voiced by Spike Milligan ? I can't read this in anything but that voice.
A
I need a few drinks to get through poetry like this. And the authors probably had a few in them when they wrote them down too.
I've never been able to take McGonagall seriously - maybe for Aileni's reason.
I don't think these two are the best advocates for their causes - I need strong drink to cope with McGonagall, and I'd like to tip a sobering bucket of water over O'Brian!
McGonagall was one of those "so bad, he's brilliant" writers. I think he must have played up his awfulness to create a wonderful canon of work.
Flann was a writer of a totally different calibre. His novel, the Third Policeman is possibly my favourite piece of writing ever. THe Poor MOuth on the other hand is a hilrious satire of gaelic writers which works as a great read even if you have no feel for the object of the satire.
Alcohol is clearly a workman's friend. And, when I read that poem, I changed the words to 'A Pint of Guinness... ' LOL.
Jams
If we banned alcohol there would be no cause to sing those classics that are sung in the Pubs. I do not think
those football songs are meant to be sung by sober people.
It is also not a good idea to listen to bar tunes while driving. I was driving in Adirondac Park on Saint Patricks day. There are only three radio stations one plays Nation Public Radio, another is an evangelical station and the third played Irish bar songs. The State Trooper heard the Harrigan song and almost made me take a breathalizer.
I kept reminding him that there were only three radio stations in the area. I also passed the test with ease.
Ah yes LB, Guiness would ssuffice as a pint of plain indeed!
THat sounds like wise advice re the radio stations! As for most football songs, North Bank Bar, North Bank bar, North Bank bar, waould never have been sung at West Ham had there not bee a bar!
In Lark Rise this evening, Dawn French's character gave similar reasoning to Flann's to account for her buying beer whe she had no money.
What a wonderful poet McGonagall is and I am pleased to say that I am almost as good.
Ah Liz, I wish I was as good as that!
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