27 September 2011

Sergeant Pluck on the Theory of Atomics

"Did you ever study atomics when you were a lad?" asked the sergeant giving me a look of inquiry and surprise


"No" I answered


" That is a very serious defalcation" he said, "but all the same I will tell you the size of it. Everything is composed of small particles and they are flying around in concentric circles and arcs and segments and innumerable other geometrical figures too numerous to mention collectively, never standing still or resting but spinning away and darting hither and thither and back again, all the time on the go. These diminutive gentlemen are called atoms....

"They are lively as twenty leprechauns doing a jig on top of a tombstone.....

"Atomics is a very intricate theorem and can be worked out with algebra but you would want to take it by degrees because you might spend the whole night proving a bit of it with rulers and cosines and similar other instruments and then at the wind-up not believe what you have proved at all ...


"Consecutively and consequentially you can safely infer that you are made of atoms yourself and so is your fob pocket and the tail of your shirt and the instrument you use for taking the leavings out of the crook of your hollow tooth. Do you know what takes place when you strike a bar of iron with a good coal hammer or with a blunt instrument...

" Ask a blacksmith fr the true answer and he will tell you that the bar will dissipate itself away by degrees if you persevere with the hard wallops. Some of the atoms of the bar will go into the hammer and the half into the table or the stone or the particular article that is underneath the bottom of the bar...


"The gross and net result of it is that people who spend most of their natural lives riding iron bicycles over rocky roadsteads of this parish get their personalities mixed up with the personalities of their bicycle as a result of the interchanging of the atoms of each of them and you would be surprised at the number of people in these parts who are nearly half people and half bicycles...

Sergeant Pluck's Atomic Theory rates as one of my favourite literary creations. I thought it was high time I shared it with both of my readers in the hope of getting them on to buy the Third Policeman. They won't be sorry!

More to follow

21 comments:

Sergeant MacCruiskeen said...

Sergeant Pluck's Theory of Atomics is, of course, but a tiny little nano part the essential inherent interior essence which is hidden in the root of the kernel of everything, called Omnium.

Sean Jeating said...

of, Sergeant, of! ... of the essential inherent etc.

Anyway, and now - although it is most unlikely they exist - to all those who happen to not being in possession of the master's complete œvre: Saddle your ponies, folks, and hurry up. The friendly, most well-educated and -sorted bookseller just round the corner will be happy to fill the gaps of your education and in your bookshelf.

jams o donnell said...

Indeed Sgt MacCruiskeen. It is just a small part of Omnium!

jams o donnell said...

A fine plug for Ireland's greatest auther, Joyce included!

Sean Jeating said...

Quite Jams. If Joyce had not been ding-dong he would have written like O'Brien.

susan said...

Although I remember reading At Swim - Two Birds a long time ago I've never read The Third Policeman. Now I will have to rectify that situation.

jams o donnell said...

He is a bit OTT for me. That said Dubliners is well worth the read. Perhaps one day I will finish Ulysses

Do it Susan! you will not be sorry

Syncopated Eyeball said...

I just bought a second hand copy of Ulysses. I wonder if I will eventually read it.

Claude said...

I actually bought The Third Policeman after I had won "The Poor Mouth (the book, not Jam's blog) in a very exciting, very competitive contest run by the Esquire of this blog. Just think that I might have left this world without having visited Corkadoragha and, later, met The Third Policeman. What a dull life I had had until that moment.

Stan said...

It's my favourite Flann O'Brien book, a strange masterwork of dark, high comedy.

jams o donnell said...

Probably before I finish my copy SE!

I am glad to have introduced you Claude!

It is truly a masterpiece Stan

Trooper Tipoff said...

"Ireland's greatest auther" Jams?

"auther"?

Observe the recent comments on today's video post at Omnium and be warned... a Noble Knight is heading your way with typo slaying on his mind.

jams o donnell said...

I shall slay the knight for I have the power of the maladroit!

Dr. Scott said...

An education... My chemical understanding is clearly seriously deficient. I will inform my students (while waving my arms that are 60% golf club and speaking through a mouth that is 37% chocolate biscuit, but zero percent humble pie).

Claude said...

My mouth is more than 40% chocolate. But it's Dr Scott's fault for sending me to "La Bohème" whenever I ask him a difficult question.

Andrea?? said...

My goodness... Is there chocolate out there that is 40% Claude then? Is that how it works? Ah no.... More like a million bits of chocolate that are each a mere miniscule percentage Claude, I suppose. And right now my lady is pondering this issue and getting seriously worried that she may be 20% me... and me 20% her?

jams o donnell said...

Be very careful Dr Scott lest you wake up and find your arms tucked into your golf bag your hands take on the shape of a putter and a number three iron. Such a transformation is very common among golfing enthusiasts.

Also look at your tongue. If it assumes the shape of a Hobnob then you are in trouble!

Ah I take it that La Boheme is not just an opera Claude. For a lady as fine as you are it is expected that your mouth will be at least part bon bon. It is a sign of refinement,

Andrew you are 20% your wife? I put this to my own dear lady not-wife and she thought (quite correctly) that I had got the better part of the deal. But that would be true of all wives and partners!

Andrea?? said...

My good wife is most troubled now pondering which parts of me she has acquired the most of. I fear this may have put her off further contact... God dammit!

jams o donnell said...

Now that surely is a downside of atomic theory my dear Doctor!

Andrewife said...

I think I may be saved by my name... She says she doesn't mind atomic exchange leading to her being part Andrew just so long as she's not part Willy. Phew. I think married life may continue as normal (unless I have misunderstood).

jams o donnell said...

That is a huge relief andrewife. May your marriage live long and prosper in the full knowledge that your dear lady wife is part Andrew and not part Willy!