Wherein Jams O’Donnell pledges his allegiance to the Conservative Party

After nearly 27 years as a loyal Labour Party member why would I now wish to switch parties and become a Conservative?

Well here’s why. It is because David Cameron will almost certainly be in a position both to slash taxes and massively increase public spending in the very near future, This is due to the discovery of a guaranteed way to ensure that the economy gathers pace by leaps and bounds

It can be revealed that David Cameron has held high level discussions with Bank of England Governor Mervyn King. Both have discovered a strategy that will form a route map to prosperity.

It is a matter of record that both Cameron and King are Aston Vila supporters (Cameron’s uncle was once the Chairman of Aston Villa so it is a case of the young lad coveting the uncle’s train set I suppose). Both have noticed that the club’s greatest successes over the last 30 years have come at times when the economy was in recession. Again this is correct: Aston Villa last achieved a high place in the league’s top flight in the early 90s (during the last recession) and won the European Cup in 1982. If success comes in recession then it follows that failure will lead to economic success

Speaking to Andre Marr yesterday Cameron stated "The Governor of the Bank of England and I realised that that Villa tend to do better when the economy is doing badly so Villa doing badly is a sign of better economic times to come.”

“However, we have decided to take action to safeguard the economy at Villa’s expense. As a life long supporter it does hurt – I may never be able to show my face at Vila Park again - but it is in the best interests of the economy and the country as a whole to ensure that Villa’s season is as dreadful as possible.”

“I have formed a special committee, consisting of myself, the Chancellor, the Chief Secretary to the Treasury and the Secretary f state for Culture, Media and Sport to determine the best way to ensure that Villa is relegated to the Championship this season and to Leagues One and Two and finally to the bottom of the Conference before the next election. “

"Economists have already predicted that this should effectively increase growth of somewhere between 3.5 and 4.5% per annum. This will not only allow us to meet the deficit but also to significantly reduce both direct and indirect taxation while at the same time allowing for substantial public sector growth.”

Well there you have it. While Osborne was on the verge of repairing the country’s fortunes by taking up offers form every retired brigadier in west Africa, David Cameron has discovered a sure fire way to restore Britain’s greatness.

… I would of course still much rather have my testicles removed with a rusty chisel than join the Tories or even vote for them